The Melting Pot of Black Humour

South African Chewing Gum

2008-06-20T20:24:00.004Z

A South African is enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon, eggs, coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation: American: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?" South African: "Of course." American (blowing bubble with his gum): "We don´t.

In the States, we only eat what´s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to South Africa." South African: "Oh Really?" American: "D´ya eat jam with the bread?" South African: "Of course." American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth):

"We don´t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to South Africa." South African: "Do you have sex in America?" American: "Of course we do." South African: "And what do you do with the condoms?" American: "Throw them away of course." South African: "We don´t. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

Deafness

2008-06-20T20:23:00.000Z

A concerned Koos goes to see the family doctor & says, -* "Doc, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over & over again." -* "Well," the doctor replies, -* "go home & tonight stand about 15 feet from her & say something. If she doesn´t reply, move about five feet closer & say it again. Keep doing this, so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness." Sure enough, Koos speeds home & does exactly as instructed.

He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen & as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Doll, what´s for dinner?" He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer & asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up & moves right behind her, about an inch away, & asks again, -* "Doll, what´s for dinner?" She replies, -* "Ag, man Koos for the fourth time, it’s vegetable stew!"

5000 years of technology

2008-06-20T20:22:00.000Z

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago. So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians." One week later, the South African press reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500m, S.A. scientists have found absolutely nothing. The governmen have concluded that 5000 years ago,their ancestors were already using mobile phones due to cable theft problems."

Lost Wife In Supermarket

2008-06-20T20:21:00.000Z

Two guys are moving about in a Pick ´n Pay supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, -*"I´m sorry - I was looking for my wife." -*"What a coincidence, so am I, and I´m getting a little desperate." -*"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" -*"She´s tall, with beautiful long hair, long slender legs, firm body and a very nice backside. What´s your wife look like?" -*"Never mind, let´s look for yours!"

Three Bears!

2008-06-20T20:13:00.000Z

Fannie a South African living in the UK walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, -*"what´ll you have?" Fannie answers, -*" Ja, Give me three pints please." So the bartender brings him three pints and Fannie proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they´re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, -*"Sir, I know you like them cold. You don´t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I´ll bring you a fresh cold one." Fannie says, -*"You don´t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one still in South Africa. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we´d still drink together. So right now, my brothers are having three Beers too, and we´re drinking together."

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, -*"I know what your tradition is, and I´d just like to say that I´m sorry that one of your brothers died." Fannie answers, -*"Ag, Nie Man my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

Soullja Boy & Sponge Bob

2008-06-06T20:42:00.000Z

Interview with Michael Jackson

2008-06-06T20:37:00.000Z

Mrs Prussy

2008-06-05T03:07:00.000Z

m
The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself.
She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents.
The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and Little Johnny waved frantically.
The teacher, taken by his enthusiasm, called on him.
In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt?"

Discovery

2008-06-05T03:06:00.000Z

The teacher said, "Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America."
Little Johnny found it, "Here it is!"
"Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?"
The class replied, "Little Johnny!"

Two Horses

2008-06-05T03:05:00.001Z

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

Anything For Love

2008-06-05T03:04:00.001Z

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, "Don't reject the guy outright."
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for avwhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in an African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

2008-06-05T03:02:00.001Z

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierand
was down to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate
New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a
burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he cantake care of any situation," thought the manager,
and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the first
applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry
yourself -- that's an important asset for the job as cashier.
However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the
place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,
"Where did you get your financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."
"That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!"
"Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care... Yim... or Mr. Yonson."

Shaq is gay

2008-06-05T03:01:00.000Z

2008-06-05T02:57:00.002Z

The Problem With High Self-Esteem

2008-06-02T05:30:00.001Z

One needs to define the meaning of self-esteem, before the much complex word 'high self-esteem' is considered. Dictionaries define self-esteem as," confidence and respect for oneself", or "how much a person likes, accepts, and respects himself, overall as a person". The National Association for Self-Esteem defines it as, " The experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges and being worthy of happiness". A balanced high self-esteem is essential for the development of a healthy human being.

Healthy self-esteem, based on basic principles such as worthiness, competence, self-reliance and a genuine desire to love and accept others, enables one to face the challenges in life and emerge victorious in adverse situations. But, if the self-esteem is based on external factors such as ones appearance, family connections, place of birth or social status, it may give an inflated opinion of ones worth and competence from a very early stage in life. The outcome would be an individual with overly high self-esteem or unhealthy high self-esteem, which is unearned.

Self-esteem starts to build up from the time of birth and then on it is a gradual process, helped by ones parents, teachers, peers or society as a whole. It is very important to have good self-esteem during the formative years when one has many issues to deal with. Children may develop a tendency to have a low self-esteem or even an unhealthy high self-esteem that eventually turn into narcissism.

It is paramount that children at this stage are given support and training on basic principles and values in life, teaching them to have good balance between competence, accomplishments and self-worth. Any such training may be adversely affected by indiscriminate use of praise by the teachers and parents, in their attempt to make the children feel more confident. These children may reach adulthood without having understood the real meaning of healthy self-esteem; the pursuit of higher academic accomplishments may create individuals who feel superior, showing egotistical and patronizing behaviour patterns.

It is the over-inflated opinion of ones self-worth and ability that leads to the overly high self-esteem. One can get aggressive if threatened; showing destructive behaviour, drug abuse, drink driving, road-rage or violence, just to prove that one is superior. They also have a vulnerable side to their character that needs constant pampering and may even change or hide personal details to show supremacy over friends and colleagues, either to get a better job or a higher social standing.

Various problems in life can change the perception of people and how they analyse situations. It could be marital problems, financial ruin, alcohol or drug abuse that bring about the changes in ones life, having to resort to different methods to cover up the situation. One may show signs of an unhealthy high self-esteem or enter a phase of denial and pretend to be happy, or go to the other extreme showing signs of low self-esteem. This extreme behaviour pattern often happens when there is total imbalance between what one believes in and what one is capable of doing or the inability to recognise it, which could be the result of an over-inflated opinion of ones personal worth.

There are few people in any society with unhealthy self-esteem who have an uncontrollable urge to control everything. World History shows examples of 'people of small stature', trying to show the world that they are 'big'- Julius Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler and Stalin are few of the examples. Mussolini, Ho-Chi-Min, Mao, King Herod, and Pol Pot are among those who believed in their inflated opinion of self worth. The egotistical, dictatorial and conceited behaviour of these men and many others like them have one thing in common, the self-worthiness becoming narcissism, showing the disharmony between their sense of values and behaviour.

High self-esteem should not be confused with an overly high self-esteem, though quite difficult to distinguish between the two at times. The Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale (1965) is the 'gold standard' measure, to arrive at the diagnosis. A sense of self worth, and a sense of ones own capabilities in good equilibrium: harmony between the psychological strength and behaviour could keep the 'overly high self-esteem' at bay.

A good balance between sense of worthiness and confidence in ones abilities is what is required in most situations. Self-education to become aware of the situation and a desire to change by seeking professional help, and interacting with close friends and immediate family would be most welcome and beneficial. But, holding on to the principles and values that one believes in and having the conviction to make the right choices when faced with adversities, one can enjoy a productive life.

© E Menon

I am Dr Elizabeth Menon, working in the UK. I love writing and my articles have been published in the UK and abroad. My hobbies include reading, writing, gardening, cooking, watching films, listening to music, helping environmental causes etc.

Please visit my homepage at: http://omana.net/

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Elizabeth_Menon

Chris Rock and Obama

2008-05-19T01:04:00.001Z

Kiss Mi Rarse

2008-05-19T00:49:00.000Z

Jamaican Video Dating

2008-05-19T00:45:00.001Z

White Ape

2008-05-19T00:41:00.001Z

Barak Cartoons and Jokes

2008-05-19T00:36:00.001Z

Soldier Boy Obama

2008-05-19T00:30:00.000Z

Crush On Obama

2008-05-19T00:26:00.000Z

Christmas Question Ho!

2007-12-07T16:03:00.000Z

HO Ho Ho
Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?
A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on
slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the
sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either).

Q: Why does Santa use Elves?
A: There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Claus?
A: Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures (Elves, reindeer
named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual preference seems to tend
towards homosexuality. He is said to have some problems finding a geronto-
phile/zoophile Elf for a threesome with a reindeer, though.

Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole?
A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and the North Pole
has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is known to frequently ask
the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this
is related to the cryptic description "up where the sun don't shine", which
applies to both the North Pole and assholes in general.

Q: Does Santa really work all year round making toys?
A: Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say
"Made on the North Pole"? ("Made in China", more likely)

Q: Then what does he DO all year?
A: Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his
winters in Florida.

Q: Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?
A: Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty attitude (he
doesn't take stress too well).

Q: If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy (given the
fact they have a tree up theirs)?
A: Little angels are known to be kinky.

Q: Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?
A: Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns.

Q: So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man who exploits
little Elves, fools around all day, and drives around in a sleigh that
lacks basic security measures?
A: You forgot about the bestiality thing.

Sponge Bob is a Batty Bwoy

2007-12-07T15:35:00.000Z

A GUIDE TO SABC TV PRONUNCIATION IN SOUTH AFRICA

2007-12-07T15:25:00.001Z

A GUIDE TO SABC TV PRONUNCIATION IN SOUTH AFRICA
Beck - not the front
Beds - doves, vultures, etc.
Ben - to set alight
Cut - a small vehicle drawn by a donkey
Errors - districts, e.g. "Ebbon errors" (urban areas)
Feather - Cape Town is feather than Johannesburg
Guddin - around your house, where you grow plants
Get - a hinged opening in a fence
Hair - as opposed to him
Hiss - masculine form of hairs
Itch - as in "itch and aviary pairsin"
Kennel - Army officer
Len - to acquire knowledge
Pee-Pull - Die Mense / people
Phlegm - the hot part at the end of a candle
Piss - symbolised by white doves
Suffa-Ring - as in "the pee-pull are suffa-ring"
Parrot Teksi - not a mamba of the teksi assoseshen
Toks - Negotiations
Weaner - the weaner takes all
Wekkas - they do the wek
Weld - The Earth

Crime in Airports Study

2007-12-07T15:25:00.000Z

A study was made recently to determine the average crime rate at international airports around the world. The study made use of an ordinary-looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading a newspaper.

He had an empty briefcase next to him which he would ignore. Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched.

At Brussels, the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds. At Washington DC, it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds. At Heathrow, the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes.

In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds and in Los Angeles, it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched.

The experiment was going to be carried out at Johannesburg International Airport in South Africa, but the people conducting the study were hijacked on the way there.

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF AFRIKAANS NAMES ...

2007-12-07T15:24:00.000Z

1. An afrikaans doctor that does circumcisions............Dr. P.P. Snyman
2. An Afrikaaner Gynaecologist...................Dr.Koek-e-moer
3. What do we call an Afrikaner who doesn't go to church...........Van NieKerk
4. What do you call an Afrikaner who failed June exams..............Viljoen
5. What do you call an Afrikaner that trips and falls in the mountains.........Van der Berg
6. The Afrikaner that votes in EVERY election ......Wouter
7. The Afrikaner that drives the loud Datsun Stanza........Basson
8. The Afrikaner that is very well endowed .........De Lange
9. A Male Afrikaner that prefers other male species...... De Kock
10. The Afrikaner thats always high.......Potgieter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A colored being baptized!

2007-12-07T15:21:00.000Z

A colored being baptized!

A coloured drunk man walking past a river sees a priest baptizing his people and decides to go for a baptism. The priest baptizes his people by dunking their heads into the water and asks, "Have you seen Jesus?"

The people respond "Yes, I've seen Jesus". When it was the drunkard's turn, the priest dunked his head into the water and pulled him out and asked him "Have you seen Jesus?"

He said no, so the priest put his head back into the water for a few more seconds and again asked "Have you seen Jesus?" The drunkard replied "No old man.

" Angrily, the priest dunked his head for a much longer time and pulled the drunkard's head out and asked him

"Have you seen Jesus?" The drunkard replied, "Ek sê my broe,........... are you sure he fell into this river?"

A kid's views on love joke

2007-12-07T15:18:00.000Z

What Exactly Is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

The very jealous wife joke

2007-12-07T15:17:00.000Z

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

Black Robots joke

2007-12-07T15:14:00.000Z

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free.

The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

(Black Jokes)

White problem joke

2007-12-07T15:12:00.000Z

Q: What do you call 1 white person on the moon?
A: A problem

Q: What do you call 1\2 of all white people on the moon?
A: A problem

Q: What do you call all the white people on the moon?
A: Problem Solved

Good Black Joke

Black chainsaw joke text

2007-12-07T15:10:00.000Z

black chainsaw joke text

There is black boy and a white boy.

The black boy says,

"My daddy got a new car and its says vroom vroom!"

The white boy say,

"My daddy got a new chainsaw and it says run nigga nigga run!"

(BLACK JOKES)

Black Man Is Better

2007-12-07T15:09:00.000Z

So, a white man and black man were arguing about who was living better.

White: My hair.

Black: Smells like a dog and is ever hardly styled.

White: My House is big
Black: I built your house

White: I have a nicer car.

Black: My girl looks better and rides like a stallion.

White: So does mine

Black: I know

(BLACK JOKES)

Black Bowling Ball Joke

2007-12-07T15:07:00.000Z

A truck driving is driving down the road, when he sees two black guys with a broken-down bicycle.

It's starting to rain so he pulls over to offer a ride.

"Yeahhh man, our bicycle is broken down, both of us we needs a ride."

Ok, says the truck driver, but I dont have room in the cab so you'll have to ride in the trailer.

I also have a whole load of bowling balls in the back, so you'll have to squeeze in.

A few miles later he gets pulled over by two troopers. One trooper is checking the tires, the brakes and when he opens the back doors, he yells out

"emergency! seal off the area"

the other trooper comes running to see what's the problem.

"he got a truckload of nigger eggs, two of them hatched, and they've already stolen a bike!!!

(BLACK JOKE)

Black Angels

2007-12-07T15:06:00.001Z

A black baby was given wings by god.

He asked god "does this mean that I'm an angel now?"

God laughed and said "nah boy, you're a bat"

(Black Jokes)

Black Angels

2007-12-07T15:06:00.000Z

A black baby was given wings by god.

He asked god "does this mean that I'm an angel now?"

God laughed and said "nah boy, you're a bat"

(Black Jokes)

Black air conditioning joke

2007-12-07T15:02:00.000Z

A plane crashed that was full of black people.

Half of them went to heaven and the other half went to hell.

Satan called God and asked how were they doing.

God said fine I got a few angels.

Then God said How about you.

Satan said fine.

Then about one week later Satan called God again but God didn't answer so he left a message, it said

"You got to come and get these blacks as they are trying to put air conditioning down here."

Black Jokes

Santa's Pickup Lines

2007-12-06T03:05:00.001Z

10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries...
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it.
3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler

2007-12-06T03:02:00.000Z

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Signs You're Not Getting A Christmas Bonus

2007-12-06T03:00:00.000Z

Signs You're Not Getting A Christmas Bonus

* Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
* The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against
you at the embezzlement trial
* On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
* What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply
closet"
* Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass
on the way out"
* You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are
required to wear pants
* When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed
under avalanche of stolen office supplies
* Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house
and breaks your jaw
* In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap"
appeared 78 times
* You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

A Parents Night Before Christmas

2007-12-06T02:58:00.000Z

A Parents Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

Abstain From Sex

2007-12-06T02:56:00.001Z

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a new church in their neighborhood. The pastor said "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks to show will-power." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of 2 weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?"

The old man replied.. "No problem at all, Pastor".

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

Then he went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad, but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights..but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations..Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked the same question,

"Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No, pastor, we weren't able to make it", the young man replied sadly.

"What happened, my son?" inquired the pastor.

"Well, my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there!"

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" said the pastor sadly.

"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

Why do they put cotton in tylenol...

2007-12-06T02:54:00.000Z

Why do they put cotton in tylenol bottles?
To remined Black they were cotton pickers before they were crack dealers!

What is 1,000 white people...

2007-12-06T02:53:00.001Z

What is 1,000 white people...
What is 1,000 white people running down a hill?

Avalanche.
*
*
*
*
*
*
What is a 1,000 mexicans running down a hill?

Mudslide.
*
*
*
*
*
*
What is 1,000 n****rs running down a hill?

Jailbreak.

What do u call a white guy...

2007-12-06T02:52:00.001Z

What do u call a white guy with a salty top?
A cracker.

Indian Toilet Paper

2007-12-06T02:50:00.000Z

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."

Sweet Semen

2007-12-06T02:47:00.000Z

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young Black female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is as much glucose in a man's semen as there is in sugar?

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class and never returned.

However, as she was going through door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue and not in the back of the throat."

ALWAYS THERE FOR ME

2007-12-01T16:48:00.001Z

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck....."

SPICING UP SEX LIFE

2007-12-01T16:45:00.001Z

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage.

After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink.

She slowly spread her legs,and in a husky come f**k me voice says "Honey, would you like some of this?"

The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what it's done to your underwear."

TALENTED PUSSY

2007-12-01T16:42:00.000Z

TALENTED

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty black women wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The women realises he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "F*** me! Can it whistle as well?"

MAN OF YOUR DREAMS

2007-12-01T16:41:00.001Z

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

WEDDING REVENGE

2007-12-01T16:40:00.001Z

Here is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Screw you," he turned to the bride and said "Screw you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.

While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?

Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world; we just live in it.

BATTLE FOR CUSTODY

2007-12-01T16:39:00.001Z

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court.

But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that, since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

SPERM BANK ROBBERY

2007-12-01T16:37:00.001Z

SPERM BANK ROBBERY

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

Black One Liners (Racism Warning)

2007-10-14T12:57:00.000Z

Q: Why are aspirins white?
A: Because they work.

Q: How did the black girl know her mother was on the rag?A: Her brothers dick tasted funny.

Q: What has six legs and goes: "Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do"?
A: Three blacks running for the elevator.

Q: What's the definition of the word "Confusion"?
A: Father's day in Harlem.

Q: Do you know why so many blacks were killed in Vietnam?
A: Because every time the seargeant said: "Get down!" they stood up and started dancing.

Q: What did God say when he saw the first black person?
A: Ooops, I burnt one!

Q: Why is Stevey Wonder Smiling all the time?
A: He doesn't know he's black.

Q: Blacks took over Toys R us.
A: The renamed it to We B toys.

Q: A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant.
A: It's called Nacho Mama.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Eskimo with a black person?
A: A Snowblower that Doesn't work!

Q: What do you call an Negro with a peg leg?
A: Shit on a stick.

Q: What does an apple and a Negro have in common?
A: They both look soooo pretty hanging from a tree.

Q: How do you starve a black man?
A: Put his food stamps in his work boots.

Q: Why don't blacks like Tylenol?
A: They have to pick cotton to get to them.

Q: What did the black women get for getting an abortion?
A: Fat cash from crime stoppers.

Q: What does a black person get for Christmas?
A: Your bike!!!

Q: How do you keep black people out of your back yard?
A: Hang one in the front!!

Q: What is the difference between a black and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: Why do you never hit a black on a bike?
A: Because it is probably your bike.

Q: Why are black people so tall?
A: Because their knee grows.

Q: Why do black people wear hats covering their face?
A: So the birds don't shit on their lips.

Q: What is white with a black asshole?
A: The A-Team

Q: How many black people does it take to single a roof?
A: Depends on how thin you slice um.

Q: How many black people does it take to pave a road?
A: Depends on how heavy the roller is.

Q: When is the only time u concentrate on a black man.
A: Behind the eyepiece of your rifle.

Q: What's the difference between batman and a blackman?
A: Batman can go to the store with out robin.

Q: What's the difference between shit and a black?
A: Eventually Shit turns white and stops stinking.

Q: Is it better to be born black or gay?
A: Black - because you don't have to tell your folks.

Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: An interracial couple in a car wreck.

Q: How many blacks does it take to clean a toilet?
A: None, it's a woman's job.

Q: What's the definition of black foreplay?
A: Don't scream or I'll kill you.

Q: How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black?
A: Ever try and take a rib from a black.

Q: Who won the race down the tunnel, the black or the Pole?
A: The Pole because the black had to stop to write "motherfucker" on the wall.

Q: What do you get when you cross a black and a groundhog?
A: 6 more weeks of basketball season.

Q: Why do blacks always have sex on their minds?
A: Because of the pubic hair on their heads.

Q: Did you hear about the new black French restaurant?
A: It's called Chez What.

Q: What did Lincoln say after his five day drunk?
A: I freed whom.

Q: What's long, black and smelly?
A: The unemployment line.

Q: Why don't blacks like blowjobs?
A: They don't like any jobs.

Q: What do you get when you cross a black prostitute with a Chinese woman?
A: A broad that sucks shirts.

Q: Why do blacks raise chickens?
A: To teach their kids how to walk.

Q: How do you make a black nervous?
A: Take him to an auction.

Q: What do you call a black prostitute with braces?
A: A black and Decker pecker wrecker.

Q: What do you call a black test tube baby?
A: Janitor in a drum.

Q: Why do blacks smell so bad?
A: So the blind can hate them too.

Q: How did they invent break dancing?
A: Trying to steal the hubcaps off a moving car.

Q: Why did God invent golf?
A: So white people could dress up like blacks.

Q: What do you call a black man in Thailand?
A: A tycoon.

Q: Why do blacks keep their fly's open?
A: In case they have to count to eleven.

Q: What do you call a black man in a tree?
A: A branch manager.

Q: What's the most confusing day in Harlem?
A: Father's day.

Q: Who are the two most famous black women in history?
A: Aunt Jemima and Mutha Fucker.

Q: How do you stop a black baby from crying?
A: Wet his lips and stick him to the wall.

Q: Did you hear that the KKK bought the movie rights to Roots?
A: They're going to play it backwards so it has a happy ending.

Q: What do you call 4 blacks in a 57 chevy?
A: Blood vessel.

Q: Why do blacks wear white gloves?
A: So they don't bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.

Q: What is black and has four legs and goes Hol De Doe, Hol De Doe?
A: Two blacks running for the elevator.

Q: Why did God invent the climax?
A: So blacks would know when to stop fucking.

Q: Why did so many blacks get killed in the war?
A: When the Colonel yelled get down, they all got up and danced.

Q: What's the definition of worthless?
A: A 7'2" black man with a small prick, that can't play basketball.

Q: What do you call a black with a new bike?
A: A thief.

Q: What do you call a black with a new caddie?A:
A better thief.

Q: Why don't black kids jump on their beds?
A: Because they'll stick to the velcro on the ceiling.

Q: How do you get them down once they're stuck?
A: Tell Mexican kids they're pinatas.

Q: Did you hear about Klu Klux Kneivel?
A: He tried to jump over 8 blacks with a steam roller.

Q: How can you tell when a black as been on your computer?
A: It is not there.

Q: What do you call a black with no arms?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: Why do black women where high heels?
A: So their knuckles don't drag.

Q: What do you call a black guys condom?
A: A duffle bag.

Q: Why are black guys eyes red after sex?
A: From the pepper spray.

Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10,000 black guys?
A: Warden.

Q: What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
A: The quarterback.

Q: Whats wrong with 5 blacks driving a Cadillac off of a cliff?
A: The car holds 6.

Q: How do you get a black man out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: What do you call a black person on birth-control?
A: Crime prevention.

Turf War in Iowa

2007-10-14T12:53:00.000Z

Why do they use artificial turf in Iowa stadiums?
To keep the cheerleaders from grazing!

Never Been Kissed

2007-10-14T12:49:00.000Z

One day a man is walking along the beach and sees a quadriplegic girl on the boardwalk, sitting in her wheelchair and crying.

He decides to be a good samaritan and asks her what's wrong. She replies sadly, "I've never been hugged." So he hugs the girl, which seems to cheer her up and he continues on his way.

The next day he sees the girl again, still sitting on the boardwalk and crying, so he asks her what's wrong and she replies, "I've never been kissed." So, he kisses the girl dutifully and goes on his way.

The following day, he passes her again, and once again, she's crying and he asks her what's wrong. She replies, "I've never been screwed." So, the man wheels her down the boardwalk, pushes her off the pier and says, "Now, you're screweed!"

Overturned Wagon

2007-10-14T12:47:00.001Z

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to.""Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted."Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.""Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?""Under the wagon!"

Redneck Hero

2007-10-14T12:46:00.001Z

Two boys are playing football in the Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "'Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Niners fan," the boy replies. "'Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," says the reporter as he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Raiders fan either," the boy says. "Then what are you?" the reporter askes.

"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!" the boy says proudly. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet!"

Trigonometry

2007-10-14T12:44:00.001Z

A hillbilly was going to send his boy to school and was discussing with the principal what courses he should take.

The principal was talking about math courses and suggested he would probably later on take geometry and trigonometry.

The hillbilly heard this and said "Great! Be sure and give him lot's of that there triggernometry! He's got to be the worst shot with a rifle of anybody I have ever seen!"

2007-10-14T01:39:00.000Z

Funny Video Clips from 123mycodes.com

2007-10-14T01:35:00.001Z

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but its a shame to pull it out.

2007-10-14T01:29:00.002Z

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full

2007-10-14T01:29:00.001Z

Q: What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A: A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Black Women and Toilets

2007-10-14T01:26:00.000Z

A rather attractive Black woman gestures alluringly to the maitre de of an upscale restaurant.

The man comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins gently to caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replies."Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair."

I'm afraid I can't," breathes the man, clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing paperwork right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

My Glazed Doughnuts!

2007-10-14T01:22:00.000Z

A man walked into a greasy spoon and ordered a hamburger.

He watched as the slovenly, shirtless cook grabbed a fistful of raw meat, crammed it under his arm and began flapping his arm until it took the shape of a patty.

"Ooooo! That's gross!" shouted the customer.

"Hah! You think that's bad?" the cook retorted, "You ought to see how I make glazed doughnuts!"

Just Coming!!

2007-10-14T01:19:00.000Z

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw.

He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.

To do sign language, the man on the 3rd floor points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry. He runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you, dumb-ass? I said I needed a handsaw!

"The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

Two Test Tickles

2007-10-14T01:17:00.000Z

A sweet little lady walks into a toy factory where they are making Tickle Me Elmo toys, and applies for a job. Her manager gives her the job description, and sends her off to work.

After a few hours, one of her co-workers runs into the manager's office, saying "She's nuts! She is slowing up the whole assembly line. She's got hundreds of Elmos that she won't send through. Please come and get her back to work for us."The manager walks out of his office to see what she could possibly be doing to be holding up the line.

He thought he had given her a very simple task, and couldn't understand what the problem could be. When he arrives, he sees that she is surrounded by hundreds of Elmos. She is taking each Elmo and sewing on two little fuzzy balls in the crotch area. After thinking about it for a minute, the manager looks at the other employees and starts to laugh.

He takes the nice lady by the hand and says"No, no, no, what I said was when each Elmo comes down the line, give it TWO TEST TICKLES."

The Old Woman Vagina

2007-10-14T01:14:00.000Z

An old Caribbean Women felt something small moving around her vagina and went to the doctor for a diagnosis. "Crabs," he told her."That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin.

No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion." And she did. Unfortunately, the second doctor had the same diagnosis. "That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion.

"This time she went to a specialist. His verdict was different. "I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?" he asked her."The good news is you don't have crabs.""Well, that's great! What's the bad news?" she asked.

"The bad news is: your cherry has rotted, and you have fruit flies."

Elderly Man and His Sperm Count

2007-10-14T01:11:00.000Z

There was an elderly St. Lucian man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, i tried with my left hand...nothing.

My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.

Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth...still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Condoms & Camels

2007-10-14T01:08:00.000Z

Two 90 year old Black women are sitting in front of a nursing home one day, smoking cigarettes, when it started to rain.

The first woman pulls a condom out of her purse, snips of the tip of it and pulls it over her cigarette and finishes smoking.

The second woman looks at her and asks her "What are you doing?"

The first woman says "I'm keeping my cigarette dry." The second woman then says "I should try that.

"The next day the second woman goes to the pharmacy and says "I need a box of condoms!" The pharmacists looks at her and thinks

"This woman is 90 years old, what the heck does she need condoms for" but he decides "Oh well I guess I'll sell them to her anyways." He then asks the woman "What brand would you like madam?

"The old woman replies "Doesn't matter to me....as long as they fit a CAMEL!!"

Elderly Jamaicans and Blow Up Dolls

2007-10-14T01:04:00.000Z

Two elderly Jamaican gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house.

When they arrived at the house, the Madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead.

She put a doll in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned.
How was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"

Don't Mess With Old Jamaican Women

2007-10-14T00:57:00.000Z

A little old Jamaican lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten.

"The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap.

"The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?" Never fool around with a old Jamaican lady!

Chemical Analysis of Woman

2007-10-14T00:49:00.000Z

Element: Woman Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
At. Weight: Accepted at 118, but is known to vary from 100 to 160
Occurances: Surplus quantities in all urban areas Chemical Properties

1. Possesses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, andprecious stones.
2. Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.

Special Qualities
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason
3. Melts if given proper treatment
4. Bitter if used incorrectly
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore

Uses
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Most powerful money-reducing agent
3. Can be great aid to relaxations

Tests
1. Pure specimen turns rosy tint when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen

Caution
1. Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one.

Sexy Chinese Proverbs

2007-10-14T00:46:00.000Z

1. WOMAN WHO GOES TO MAN'S APT. FOR SNACK, GETS TIT-BIT.
2. MAN WHO LAY WOMAN ON GROUND, GETS PEACE ON EARTH.
3. MAN WHO GETS KICKED IN TESTICLES, LEFT HOLDING THE BAG.
4. MAN WHO KISSES GIRL'S BEHIND, GETS CRACK IN FACE.
5. WOMAN WHO SPEND MUCH TIME ON BEDSPRING, MAY HAVE OFFSPRING.
6. PASSIONATE KISS LIKE SPIDER WEB--LEAD TO UNDOING OF FLY.
7. MAN WHO SUCKS NIPPLES MAKES CLEAN BREAST OF THINGS.
8. MAN WITH HOLES IN POCKETS FEELS COCKY ALL DAY.
9. MAN WHO SNATCH KISSES WHEN YOUNG, KISSES SNATCHES WHEN OLD.
10. MAN WHO FIGHTS WIFE ALL DAY GETS NO PIECE AT NIGHT.
11. HE WHO FISHES IN OTHER MANS WELL OFTEN CATCHES CRABS.
12. HE WHO PLAYS WITH SELF, PULLS BONER.
13. BOY WHO GO TO BED WITH SEX PROBLEM, WAKE UP WITH SOLUTION IN HAND.
14. VIRGINITY LIKE BALLOON--ONE PRICK--ALL GONE.
15. GIRL WHO DOUCHES WITH VINEGAR WALKS AROUND WITH SOUR PUSS.
16. GIRLS SHOULD NOT MARRY BASKETBALL PLAYERS--THEY DRIBBLE BEFORE THEY SHOOT.
17. MAN WITH ATHLETIC FINGER, MAKE BROAD JUMP.
18. MAN WHO MARRY GIRL WITH NO BUST HAS RIGHT TO FEEL LOW DOWN.
19. GIRL WHO RIDES BICYCLE, PEDDLES ASS ALL OVER TOWN.
20. MAN WHO FARTS IN CHURCH, SITS IN OWN PEW.
21. BABY CONCEIVED IN BACK SEAT OF CAR WITH AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION, GROW UP TO BE SHIFTLESS BASTARD

PICK UP LINES

2007-10-14T00:39:00.000Z

Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock.
Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.
You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar rise.
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?
Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra?
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?
You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.
I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I?
Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist.
If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to introduce myself.
The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.
Do you have some African in you? Would you like a piece of African in you?
The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.
Hi, my name is Kelli. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on tonight.
I'm new in town, could you give me the directions to your apartment.
I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing you're wearing.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.

How To Have A Shower

2007-10-14T00:35:00.000Z

Shower Like A Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To shower Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
11. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
12. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
13. Pee (in the shower)
14. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
15. Partial dry off.
16. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
17. Admire wiener size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Summer Camps To Avoid

2007-10-14T00:27:00.000Z

10. Tommy Lee's---------- Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's------ Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding's------ Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star's------- Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's----- Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's------- Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's---- Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton's-- Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras's---- Camp LickacoochieAnd the number one camp not to send your kid to...
1. Monica Lewinsky's---- Camp Suckapeepee

The Hallmark Cards You Won't See.

2007-10-14T00:20:00.000Z

1. So your daughter's a hooker & it spoiled your day..Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping..I thought it was flat..when I looked at the tire..I noticed your cat.. Sorry.
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.. here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you..How upset you must be..But don't fret about it..She moved in with me.
7. You totaled your car..and can't remember why..could it have been..that whole case of Bud Dry?

Dead Granny Society

2007-10-08T00:05:00.000Z

People may say that dead men tell no tales, but I beg to differ. As many Jamaicans may know, their deceased relatives never really just go away into the “Great Blue Yonder”. They are always around us, helping us mind our business.

Personally, I never really thought too much about what happened to our loved ones when they died. However, after much soul-searching and real life experiences, I have no doubt that there is a “Dead Grannies Society”. This is an elite group of corpses that get together all in the name of their children and grandchildren. They trade stories, and on occasion they do each other a favour or two.

Helping their survivors get through life, by sparing them from perilous circumstances and snares. I’m sure you all have stories about a dead relative’s voice rescuing you from harm, or sending you a message in a dream, or speaking through other people you may come in contact with. All these experiences, are ways in which our loved ones maintain contact with us. They want us to know they care and even though they may be physically gone, their spirit still lives on.

Here’s how I know:
One day I was looking at Granny’s picture, and the phone rang, or so I thought. It was my Granny, coming through loud and clear.
I was puzzled, and stared around the room frantically.
“Magsie, hello! I’ve been trying to reach you.”
I would have dropped the phone right then and there, if I was holding one. I thought I was hallucinating.

I shook my head and tried to unclog my ears with tons of peroxide. But the voice just kept coming through as clear as ever.

I responded, “Granny is that you? How could it be?”
She got a bit irritated, “Come, hurry-up! I’m calling long distance and I can’t stay long. I’m returning your call.”

I replied, “”But Granny, I didn’t call you.”
“Oh yes you did….Never mind child, there are phones, and then there are “phones” . I know you want to talk to me, so here I am.”

Well, I felt like I was experiencing a scene out of “Bewitched” . The part when Samantha calls upon Endora.

I thought, “Ok fine, I’ll just play along with this little charade.”

I continued, “So what are you up to Granny? Sleeping a lot lately? Enjoying the greenery?”

She scoffed, “ Did you think because I’m six feet under that I am not busy? I am busier more than ever!’

“Running around taking care of all of you, and you people don’t make it easy…always gadding about town. Besides, I’m networking here. By the way, will somebody remind those kids to keep the Sabbath Day holy! I belong to a very elite group called “The Dead Granny’s Society”, but there is just so much we can do in a twenty-four hour period.

“R-e-a-l-l-y Granny, so tell me what are you accomplishing with this group of yours and who are the members?”

“Well, let’s see, first, to be a member you have to die around the same time I did, as you know, God has me meeting and greeting the new residents as they come in. I give them my “Praise The Lord Sermon” which gets them really excited. Then, the next pre-requisite is, they have to have grandchildren or children. We exchange stories and mental pictures. Oh! It’s glorious! I can’t stop telling tales about you.”

“So Granny, does any of your ghostly friends have clout?”
“When did you ever not know your Granny to mingle with the movers and shakers?”
“I had to ask…..You know me, little Ms. Inquiring mind. ”

“Well, let’s put it this way. There was something special you wanted at Christmas time last year. You got it didn’t you? That was my dear friend Mrs. Shikantaberry, she’s buried somewhere named Pinelawn in America. During Christmas Eve Night she harassed her granddaughters. My favour was delivered Christmas morning. Kudos to Granny….huh?”
Granny was spunkier than ever.

“Then, Valentine’s Day came and you were really being a bug. Granny delivered didn’t she? You know who that was ? That was my good friend Mrs. Mazouca, she plays the organ here at our Celestial Rallys.

The woman have a lovely voice you see, If you ever hear her sing Opera, you would fall out of your chair. Poor thing, she died so sudden. You know she wasn’t able to say goodbye, heart attack. So now all day she’s fluttering around her family, doing mischievous things, so they know she’s around. No wonder she’s always tired. Anyway, she have connections can’t done.

Just you wait and see what wonderful things I have her doing for you. Ms. Mags I haven‘t forgotten about all the things you told me on my dying bed and Granny has all her cronies in place. Don‘t you worry!”

“These are my people now, I help them, they help me. Together we are going to move mountains. Just you wait and see.”

“Granny, that’s really great you are happy and adjusting to your new life. You know I still love you like cook food?”

“ I know darling, You know your Granny, wherever the Lord is, she’s ecstatic! I miss uno sometimes, but the Lord is my saviour. Anyway, sweetheart, Granny have to run. We’re having a “Skipping in The Garden Competition” and a “Swinging from The Vine Contest“.

It’s so much fun here, everything we do is serenaded by angels playing harps. And the fruits are out of this world…..(Granny laughed). Just a little heavenly humour. Take care Magsie…..Angels on your pillows!”

Just like that, the phone went dead…..Actually, it was my psychic phone .
My conversation with Granny was very comforting. Suddenly, I felt like I had unlimited “back-up”.

I had people….Dead people, but as most Jamaicans would know, those are some of the most powerful friends to have. Your enemies don’t usually see them coming.
So to all the folks in Cemetaria I just want to give you a big shout out!
Granny thinks you guys are swell!!!

Ethiopian In Heaven

2007-10-07T23:59:00.000Z

One day a Ethiopian died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates he stopped and asked St. Peter..." St. Peter, all my life I've wanted to know one thing and nobody has been able to give me the answer. " Saint Peter said, "Well, ask me. I'll probably be able to help you.

"The Ethiopian said, "O.K. Am I white with Black stripes...or Black with white stripes?"St. Peter scratched his head and answered......"Gee, I really don't know the answer to that one. Why don't you come on in and ask Jesus. He's just standing right over there. He'll know the answer.

"So, the Ethiopian trotted over to Jesus and said, "Jesus, there's something that I've always wanted to know and now that I'm dead and in heaven, maybe you can answer my question."

"I'll sure try," said Jesus. So the Ethiopian asked him the same question that he had asked St. Peter. "Am I white with Black stripes...or am I Black with white stripes?" Jesus stared at the ground for awhile, shrugged his shoulders and said, " I really don't know the answer to that one.

Why don't you go over there and ask my Father. He will surely know the answer."The Ethiopian trotted over to the throne that God was sitting on and approached God. "What do you want?" God asked.

The Ethiopian asked his same question, "Am I white with Black stripes...or Black with white stripes?" and immediately God answered..."You are what you are!" in a booming voice, and waved him away.

The Ethiopian was more confused than ever and walked slowly back toward Jesus... shaking his head in disappointment. Jesus stopped him and said, "What did my Father say.?" The Ethiopian told him that God had said, "You are what you are!" and that he still didn't have an answer to his question.

"Well!", said Jesus, "you do have your answer! You are white with Black stripes!" "How do you figure that?", questioned the Ethiopian , looking confused. Jesus replied, smiling, "It's easy. If you were Black with white stripes, He would have said, "You is what you is!"

Ten Ghetto Films Coming To The Hood

2007-10-07T23:49:00.000Z

10 --- Lord, Momma Done Burnt the Chicken Again

9 --- I Ain't Seen My Daddy Since the 80s: Tales from the Ghetto

8 --- Menace II Society 2: The Return of Kaine, Tupac, Biggie, and introducing Big Pun

7 --- Momma, It's the 1st and the Check Ain't Here: A Ghetto Tragedy

6 --- A Tale of Two Baby Daddies

5 --- Momma, I'm Pregnant: Again

4 --- Momma, It's the 15th and the Check Still Ain't Here: The Sequel To The Tragedy on the 1st

3 --- WIC All-Star Revue

2 --- Lord, I Hate My Baby Momma: Starring Shawn Kemp and Bobby Brown - Headlining O.J. Simpson And the Number One Black Play coming to a Theatre near you is........................

1 --- Who Drank All the **** KoolAid: A Ghetto Mystery

My 11th Black Husband

2007-10-04T19:29:00.000Z

A Black lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. How can that be if you've been married ten times?Well

Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:

2007-10-01T23:41:00.000Z

1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.

Never Argue with a Woman

2007-10-01T23:36:00.000Z

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think .

The Resume' of Jesus Christ

2007-10-01T23:32:00.000Z

The Resume' of Jesus Christ

Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and
Jesus

Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me Lord!
I've sent you my resume' because I'm seeking the top management position
in your heart. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my
resume'.

Qualifications

a.. I founded the earth and established the heavens, (See
Proverbs 3:19)
b.. I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See
Genesis 2:7)
c.. I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis
2:7)
d.. I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See
Galatians 3:13)
e.. The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon
your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)

Occupational Background

a.. I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).
b.. I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful
or disrespectful.
c.. My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See
Matthew 3:15-17)

Skills Work Experiences

a.. Some of my skills and work experiences include:
empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting
the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and
setting at liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
b.. I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People
who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See
Proverbs 1:33).
c.. Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and
power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John 1:7-9)

Educational Background

a.. I encompass the entire breadth and length of
knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs 2:6).
b.. In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and
knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
c.. My Word is so powerful; it has been described as
being a lamp unto your feet and a lamp unto your path, (See Psalms
119:105).
d.. I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart,
(See Psalms 44:21).

Major Accomplishments

a.. I was an active participant in the greatest Summit
Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26).
b.. I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II
Corinthians 5:15).
c.. I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and made
a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).
d.. I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick and
raised the dead!
e.. There are many more major accomplishments, too many
to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is located at:
www dot - the BIBLE. You don't need an Internet connection or computer
to access my website.

References

a.. Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my
divine healings, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and
supernatural guidance

In Summation

Now that you've read my resume', I'm confident that I'm the
only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital! position in your
heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs
3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When can I
start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:15).

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

2007-10-01T23:30:00.000Z

>Smart man + smart woman = romance
>
>Smart man + dumb woman = affair
>
>Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
>
>Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
>
>OFFICE ARITHMETIC
>
>Smart boss + smart employee = profit
>
>Smart boss + dumb employee = production
>
>Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
>
>Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
>
>
>
>SHOPPING MATH
>
>A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
>
>A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
>
>
>
>GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
>
>A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
>
>A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
>A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
>
>A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>
>
>
>HAPPINESS
>
>To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
>little.
>
>To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
>understand her at all.
>
>
>
>LONGEVITY
>
>Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
>more willing to die.
>
>
>
>PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
>
>A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>
>A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
>
>
>
>DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
>
>A woman has the last word in any argument.
>
>Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
>
>
>HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
>
>Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
>cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
>the same thing to them at funerals.

Cricket Lovely Cricket

2007-10-01T23:26:00.000Z

The West Indies coach had put together his team for the World Cup Cricket tournament. The only thing that was missing was a good bowler. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer bowler who could ensure a World Cup win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghanistan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 3rd story window 200 yards away, ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away, ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph, bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Said Roger Harper to himself. "HE has the perfect arm!"

So he finds the young soldier, brings him to Jamaica and teaches him the great game of cricket.

The West Indies go on to finally win the World Cup and Roger Harper is very happy... The young Afghani is hailed as the Great Hero of West Indies cricket, and when Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the World Cup!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I single-handedly ended the slump West Indies cricket has been in for the last few years. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "... I'll... I'll... I'll never forgive you for making us move to Kingston!"

Jamaican Baby Names

2007-10-01T23:24:00.000Z

A woman three months pregnant falls into a coma. Six months later she awakes and ask the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor.

"Luckily, your brother named them for u"

"Oh nuts," not my brother! he's an idiot! "What did he call the girl"

"Denise," the doctor replies Thinking that's isn't so bad, she ask.

"And what did he name the boy?"

The doctor answer "Denephew"
Back to top

The Morning of September 11

2007-10-01T23:23:00.000Z

This Jamaican guy left for work on Sept. 11 at about 6:00AM to go to his office on the 97th floor in the World Trade Center, kissed his wife and told her he loved her.

When he got to Manhattan he went to his lover's apartment in the Village. He turned his cell phone off, and thought of spending some quality hours putting down some good wuck on her.

At about 11:00AM, while still at her place tired and overworked, he turned his cell phone on, and a second later it rang. He answered, and it was his wife who was screaming at him, "Where the hell are you? I've been trying to call you for an hour. I've been worried sick about you!!!"

He screamed back. What the hell is wrong with you woman, "Where do you think I am? I'm in my office.

Mad Man and Jamaican Police

2007-10-01T23:21:00.000Z

One day a Policeman was directing traffic at Half Way Tree and every
minute this madman run up to him and say,"Officer wha time yu hav."
So the police keep running him and say "yu naa go no weh so stop ask mi di time"

But the madman keep on coming back so the Police get fed
up and say "ah
2:30". The madman then say to the Police "when a 3 O'clock, come suck out mi B@tty"

The Police get vex and start run down the madman widim batten.
So di the madman lost him round a corner near Missa Chin shop.
So the Police ask Missa Chi n if him see a

Madman run pass ya.

Missa Chin say "no, but a wha him do yu?

Di Police say, "him no see mi a direct traffic round so and come talk say mi fi come suck out im b@tty when 3 o'clock come"

Missa Chin look pan him watch and Say

"But no jus quataa to Three now, Wha happen, yu cyaan wait??"

Back to top

Three Jamaican Sons

2007-10-01T23:20:00.000Z

Three Jamaican sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give to
their elderly mother:

The first son said, "Mi bill a big house wid land an gi mama."
The second son said, "Mi sen har a cris Benz wid a driver"
The third smiled and said, "Mi beat di 2 a unnu. Yuh memba how Mama use to
love fi read har Bible? An yuh know seh she cyaan see too good. Mi sen har a
Church parrot dat recite di entire Bible. It tek di elders inna di church 15
years fi teach im. Im exclusive man. Mama jus ha-fi name di chapter an di
verse, an di parrot wi recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mother sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "A weh duh yuh bwoy, a chupid yuh chupid suh.
Di house yuh bill too big. A mi one live inna one room, but mi always ha fi a
clean di whole house."

"Winston," she wrote to another, "Yuh a eediat, yuh dun know mi too old fi
travel. Mi always inna di yard, suh mi nuh use di Mercedes an di driver im
too dyam facey!"

"Dearest Delroy," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense fi
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Back to top

Rasta Man Divorce

2007-10-01T23:19:00.001Z

A Jamaican Rasta man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, “Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody.” The judge turns to the husband and says, “What do you have to say in the matter?” The Rasta man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose. Your Honor, if I man put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, whose Pepsi is it, ‘I and I’ or the machine’s?

Nappy Head

2007-10-01T23:14:00.000Z

Two guys work together - a Gabon guy and a white guy. The Gabon guy notices that the white guy always came to work with a smile on his face. He asks him, "Man, how come you come to work with a smile on your face every day?"

The white guy replied "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work." Amazed the Gabon guy asks him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. "That's easy," the white guy said. "I just tell her the same poem when I wake up: Blondie, Blondie, eyes so blue, I just love waking up and making love to you!"

Determined, the Gabon guy decides to take his friend's advice.
The next day the Gabon guy shows up to work all beat to hell - Gabon eyes, broken nose, fat">fat lip... the works. The white guy says, "Man, what happened to you?" The Gabon guy says "I don't know, I went home and tried your advice." "Well, what poem did you tell your wife?" the white guy asked.

The Gabon guy replied: "Nappy head, Nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I could roll your fat">fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"

Kwame and the period

2007-10-01T23:11:00.000Z

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Kwame, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Kwame walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the Blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Kwame had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It a period," reported Kwame. "Well I can see that", she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"I don't know," said Kwame, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Broken Rubber

2007-10-01T23:04:00.000Z

There was this Native American boy who was confused
about his name that he asked his mother:

Mom, why is my brother's name Windstorm?

She answered: Because he was conceived during a wind storm.

Well, why is my sister's name Moon-shine?

She answered again: Because she was conceived when the
moon was shining.

The poor little boy looked sad and confused.

His mother said, 'Why are you so sad and confused Brokenrubber

Done By Smell

2007-10-01T23:02:00.000Z

A Black woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal- Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Five Kinds Of Sex

2007-10-01T23:01:00.000Z

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom!

Bad Case of the Stutters

2007-10-01T22:58:00.000Z

Bad Case of the Stutters
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem."

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter.

At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back."

The doctor shook his head and replied, "That's im.. im.. im.. impo.. impossible."